Bear Down, Chicago Bears

Honestly, after looking at a friend's photos, I had a strange revelation on what it means to be 'out there.' We all put ourselves out there to try and pick up dates. Even the innocent artsy people put coy little profile pictures up hoping to catch some guy or girl who listens to too much vinyl and drink decaffeinated teas.

What does it mean to be innocent? With all of my friends hitting the age that TV always told us would be the best time of our lives, I really don't think anyone is innocent. We all carry so much baggage with us. Some of us keep trying to throw our baggage overboard, but it keeps coming back to haunt us. See March 2009. I still don't feel like I've hit my prime of being young and pretty. Most days, because I can't take a good picture to save my life. (That's just some female thing that's been ingrained in me as a model. No good pictures = bad days)

My mom still claims that I 'don't need a boyfriend.' I think she's talking about financial independence, which has always been my goal. But goddamn sometimes its nice to hold someone. If that takes away my feminist card, then so be it. Sometimes its nice to have an outside source making you feel pretty.

I'm sick of bars. I need to find somewhere else to spend my time. That reminds me of an ex who would take me to weird historical places. As I recall, eating homemade jelly on toast at the Battleground memorial doing EVP recordings for ghosts. That was my favorite time of my entire college career. It felt like I was living in one of those hazy art photos of some beautiful hippie girl in a field. Of course, being the dumbass that I am, scorned that relationship in favor of someone more popular (not the word I want to use, but I've only have 3 cups of coffee). I often think about that time period and how different my life might be if I hadn't been so headstrong and stupid. Now I feel like I'll never be able to get back to those lazy, artistic days. I've been cheated on and lied to so badly now, that I don't possess that pure outlook on dating/love/whatever.

We'll have to see what happens.