This is exactly how I feel right now. As soon as I stopped looking, I really stumbled on an amazing guy. Mark is such a gentleman, completely adorable, and I haven't stopped smiling since Monday night. He even loves Lady Gaga. Woweeee, I'm a lucky girl!
Honestly, after looking at a friend's photos, I had a strange revelation on what it means to be 'out there.' We all put ourselves out there to try and pick up dates. Even the innocent artsy people put coy little profile pictures up hoping to catch some guy or girl who listens to too much vinyl and drink decaffeinated teas.
What does it mean to be innocent? With all of my friends hitting the age that TV always told us would be the best time of our lives, I really don't think anyone is innocent. We all carry so much baggage with us. Some of us keep trying to throw our baggage overboard, but it keeps coming back to haunt us. See March 2009. I still don't feel like I've hit my prime of being young and pretty. Most days, because I can't take a good picture to save my life. (That's just some female thing that's been ingrained in me as a model. No good pictures = bad days)
My mom still claims that I 'don't need a boyfriend.' I think she's talking about financial independence, which has always been my goal. But goddamn sometimes its nice to hold someone. If that takes away my feminist card, then so be it. Sometimes its nice to have an outside source making you feel pretty.
I'm sick of bars. I need to find somewhere else to spend my time. That reminds me of an ex who would take me to weird historical places. As I recall, eating homemade jelly on toast at the Battleground memorial doing EVP recordings for ghosts. That was my favorite time of my entire college career. It felt like I was living in one of those hazy art photos of some beautiful hippie girl in a field. Of course, being the dumbass that I am, scorned that relationship in favor of someone more popular (not the word I want to use, but I've only have 3 cups of coffee). I often think about that time period and how different my life might be if I hadn't been so headstrong and stupid. Now I feel like I'll never be able to get back to those lazy, artistic days. I've been cheated on and lied to so badly now, that I don't possess that pure outlook on dating/love/whatever.
So VD has come and gone. I'll admit I got pretty emotional while watching Empire last night. However my streak of bad luck, including losing all of the money that I made selling cards and someone STEALING my iPod has just made me so bitter and angry. I'm trying not to be, but sometimes when you don't have a rugged beautiful snuggle buddy telling you that "Hey, its cool. Let me make you some food," it totally sucks. I think I'd like to move to Indy soon. I have to start looking for jobs. T-minus three months before real life. I'm so scared. I got some more records, because I need to stop listening to the hippie stuff I've been digging on lately. Its way too cold to listen to that stuff.
Nutrition/fitness plan going well...and healthily. I'm pretty much adding wheat germ to everything and sucking down V8 juices. I just can't wait to get ol' Dorth Vader back on the road so I can put some mileage in.
I sang for the first time. I was super nervous. I doubt anyone cared to notice. But I love these here boys, and of course my Jamie.
So I've begun my new workout fitness plan. Subtly titled "Ploys for the Boys." I've been making an effort to write down everything that I put into my body. I'm currently eating a 100 kcal yogurt mixed with wheat germ. I bought a bunch of whole wheat flour, and wheat germ. All I need is Arzner's pancake recipe so I can make some awesome pancakes. I was really proud of myself at the store. I only spent $53, but got so much nutrient packed food. Getting pneumonia put a damper on going to the Co-Rec, but I think once I get through my meds, I'll be there in full force. I really got fresh to death today. Got tanned, did a full body scrub, all types of pampering. Also did three loads of laundry. All 60 of my dryer sheets mysteriously disappeared, and when questioned it seems that they were eaten by the dryer sheet monster.
I just want to get through this phase. This phase of seeing people happy with one another and it makes me want to vomit. Its true, you need to love yourself before someone can love you. I think that's the hippiest thing I've ever said. Probably because I'm listening to this:
This is exactly how I feel right now. As soon as I stopped looking, I really stumbled on an amazing guy. Mark is such a gentleman, completely adorable, and I haven't stopped smiling since Monday night. He even loves Lady Gaga. Woweeee, I'm a lucky girl!
